Personal Log 4.28.20

Well, I’ve given up & before anyone yells at me, it’s a good thing, not a bad thing.

I’ve been really frustrated the last 18 months, more so in the last 9, mainly in the area of music recording. Now, over the years I’ve recorded several tracks & several instrumental songs: some rock, some acoustic rock, some worship & it’s all been good… but for the last year I’ve been trying to lay down some tracks for a worship CD of songs I’ve written & some other projects but have been hitting roadblocks & obstacles every inch of the way.

Whether it’s software crashes or pc hardware problems or tech issues or smashing my hand last Fall 2 days before a scheduled recording session or like this past Sunday evening, 10 minutes before I’m ready to hit the “record” button the electronics fry on my acoustic. 

Something was wrong & I didn’t know what it was as it just kept happening to me. 

Now, there’s two schools of thought on this:

- it’s the enemy attacking me

- it’s just not God will

As I was laying in bed Sunday night I wasn’t sure of anything other than I was at the end, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So I tossed & turned Sunday night & fasted/prayed Monday morning/afternoon. I needed answers. As I was mowing my lawn (I have a push mower so it’s really quiet & I can think/pray while mowing) my mind went back about 15 years to this girl I liked. I was really into her but it wasn’t entirely mutual, she liked me too but she didn’t love me. I wound up committing her to the Lord, placing her on the altar & I walked away from that altar & didn’t look back. She soon wound up marrying someone else & moved out of state. Long story short, I tried too hard to make something happen. 

Was it good? Yeah. 

Was it great? Eh. 

Was it God? Nah. 

As I was meditating on what happened w/ this girl & thinking over the last year w/ all the rewrites on the songs & the aforementioned software/hardware/injury things that took place I began to wonder if I was simply trying too hard to make this recording happen. Maybe it was God trying to get my attention… 

So, as I was mowing I just said, “God, I can’t keep doing this. I’m frustrated, I can’t take anymore problems or roadblocks right now & I’m weary of trying to make this or any recording project happen. I’m at the end & I’m putting all this music recording stuff on the altar & I don’t care what You do w/ it. If this isn’t Your will then I’m more than okay w/ that; I’ll teach guitar, I’ll promote the other guitarists in the fellowship & I’ll never record again. However, if You want it to happen, YOU make it happen & let me know clearly when & how. That’s all & all I want is Your will.” 

It wasn’t a hard prayer, it was just one that needed to be prayed & prayed sincerely. 

So, at 3:43 am on a Tuesday morning w/ no sleep, I’m not sure where to go from here. I have some peace but still feel frustrated, ‘feel a little sad too but I do have several tracks of unreleased songs & acoustic vignettes that I’ll probably go back & edit, then release them but as of right now, I’m not doing any new audio recording until I hear from God. I am exploring some video stuff w/ an old Android phone I have but should the phone suddenly die or melt or explode or something I’ll know that’s off the table too.

I’ve given up & it’s a good thing, not a bad thing.